Inman News
Sunday, May 27, 2007
By DEBORAH RIDER ALLEN

In 2005, Carol Ray mother of a son in college, another married son and grandmother of two started thinking about retirement. Having recently moved back home to Chester, she decided to have a home built in Chester Village Green. The 55-and-older, age-qualified Easy Living section where she built features single-story individual homes built with no stairs and full wheelchair accessibility, and it includes free yard maintenance.

But as Ray was downsizing and simplifying her own life, she was plagued by concern about her aging parents. Dr. and Mrs. L.G. Mathews were in good physical and mental health and still living on their own in the family home where they had been for 48 years. But her parents who at the time were both in their 80s were located in a more secluded area in a house with many stairs and levels and no bedroom on the first floor.

"One day, I got up the nerve to ask them what they thought would happen if one of them got sick or could not maneuver the stairs. They liked my house a lot and I told them there were a couple of lots still available in the Easy Living section," said Ray, now 61.

But she did not have to further pursue the idea of moving as her mom loved the idea and ran with it. Today, the Mathewses now 90 and 85 live in a home just a street away from Ray.

Ray is just one example of the baby boomers who are facing retirement while also dealing with aging parents. Often called "middle-age" baby boomers, they are the first generation to reach middle age having grown up in non-communal America, where extended families rarely live together and family members often are scattered throughout the country.

Warren Tinsley has a son and two grandchildren. Howard Fletcher has two children and one grandchild. So when both men, who are 62 and retired, decided to move into an active adult community in May 2006, they chose CoolWell in Hanover near where Tinsley had grown up and where Fletcher's granddaughter was living at the time.

CoolWell is an active adult community that is age-qualified for 55 and over and features attached town houses with first-floor master bedrooms. All the homes are wheelchair-accessible and all exterior and yard maintenance is included.

"I did not want to cut grass and clean gutters any more, and they had a pool and a garage," said Tinsley adding that the pool is a great draw for the grandkids.

But another important factor in the choice to move to CoolWell was Tinsley's mother, Grace. Tinsley took early retirement in 1998 to help care for his father after a stroke. When his father died in 2001, Grace continued to live in the house alone.

The 30-minute drive for Tinsley to get to her was worrisome. Grace also has macular degeneration and osteoporosis. Tinsley's previous home in Short Pump could not accommodate his mother, "so we bought this house knowing we wanted to bring her here."

Like Ray, Tinsley says the biggest hurdle in the process was actually broaching the subject of the move with his mom.

"I asked her about moving in with us by putting her in the car and surprising her by bringing her here. We were at the point of putting a contract on a house here and I wanted her to see the space she would actually have," he said. "It was hard for her to think of breaking up her house after 46 years, but we gave her the option to live here for six months and see if she wanted to stay."

Grace, now 87, moved into CoolWell in October 2006. Earlier this month, Grace decided to stay. Tinsley has since sold the family home.

Fifty-eight-year-old Mary Lee and her brother had to make a decision about their parents' living situation 15 years ago. Their father, R. Nelson Ackerly, had a stroke, and their mom, Pat, was caring for him in the family home.

"They were in the house and happy, but it was too much on mother and we were worried about her all the time. You start worrying about if she gets sick, how is dad going to care for her. And if they both get sick, who is going to care for them?" said Lee.

She said her brother was instrumental in helping their parents decide to move into an apartment in the tower of Westminster Canterbury. Her father died a few years later.

But just this past summer while on break from her job as an assistant pre-school teacher, Lee had to help her mom now 84 and a stroke victim who had back surgery move to an apartment in Avalon, the assisted-living section at Westminster Canterbury.

"It was a big move from a two-bedroom in to a one-bedroom and there was furniture to get rid of, and many things to go through just like when they moved out of their house," said Lee, who has children ages 38, 24 and 22. "I would go over every day and sit with her and go through everything and pack some things. It took all summer."

Lee says the move has been nothing but positive for Pat. "She is so tickled with her new apartment and she has a gorgeous view of the courtyard."

Lee also has relinquished some of the responsibility of her mother's care. Now a church friend who knew her mom helps to manage Pat's finances. Lee's brother, who was so helpful in the past, is now deceased.

"I wanted a third person because I do not have a sibling. It works well and mother still writes her own checks and does her banking at Westminster Canterbury. She does not go out (alone) anymore. So if she needs to go out for shoes or something, we set a date and I take her out."

Tinsley describes his mother Grace's move as "going from an old nest into a new nest," where she has her own living room, bathroom, bedroom, television and telephone. The town house has enough space for everyone to have their own privacy.

"She says she loves being here and calls it her hotel because breakfast and lunch are served every day," said Tinsley who handles all of his mother's finances, medical, insurance and other needs. Grace takes advantage of the sidewalks and walks several times a day and has made many friends in the neighborhood. Her old friends also come by to visit.

"Her mental outlook to me is greatly improved and we know she is eating better," Tinsley said. "She is more social and she has a lot of opportunities here. And it is peace of mind for us."

Ray says she has no regrets about her parents moving down the street. "All I need to do now is walk down the street to see them. I see them several times a week and my mother usually feeds me," she said, adding that both her brother and sister also visit regularly.

The Mathewses are still self-sufficient and very active. They still enjoy planting flowers and Dr. Mathews is in the Lions Club and her mother in several bridge clubs.

Ray says their favorite part of their new house is the front porch where they often sit for morning coffee or an afternoon drink. "Now my dad thinks everyone should have a porch," she said.

Tinsley says his choice to include his mother in his plans to move into an active adult community has worked well for everyone.

"We are at a point in time where we have a new start. But it is also a time to give back to my mom and she has just blossomed," he said. "It is like a second chance on life this is your time. You've had kids, got them through college, married them off and sold the house. Here we are downsizing the house but upsizing our lives. For the three of us, it works."

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